Low / No Desire
How common is this?
Michele Weiner-Davis, a marriage therapist from the Chicago area, estimates that "at least 20 to 25% of adult men and 40-50% of adult women experience low desire."
That’s right -- Low Sexual Desire is not just a problem for women!
Weiner-Davis observes "Men are so ashamed of speaking up about low sexual desire; it violates their own sense of masculinity. Low desire in men is America's best-kept secret."
What is Low Desire?
- The level of sexual activity in a relationship feels depressing or makes you suspect that your partner doesn’t desire you.
- There are feelings of guilt experienced by the low desire partner that may cause them to try to avoid sex or offer up passive sex.
- For some, low sexual desire causes a feeling
- The frequency of sex in a committed relationship is not frequent enough for one or both partners of being abnormal or non sexual.
Some possible causes
- The sex the couple is having isn’t enjoyable. Lack of arousal, orgasm difficulties, rapid ejaculation, pain, and an unenjoyable style of lovemaking can make sex not worth the effort. In his book, Passionate Marriage, David Schnarch asserts that the reason most people don’t desire sex is that the sex they are having isn’t desirable.
- An appetite for pseudo or one dimensional sex (see Pseudo Sexuality)
- Inability to climax or a “wimpy” climax (see Orgasm Difficulties)
What to do about it, some ideas of how to get rid of the problem
- Begin to talk about it with your partner. Communicate. Silence will only worsen the issue. Dr. Terrell notes that in her work, couples with sex problems tend to not talk about the issues until the problem reaches crisis proportions.
- Ask yourself if you really enjoy the sex you have.
- Connect with and try to understand what is happening between you and your partner.
- Learn to resolve conflicts (read or take a conflict resolution course).
- Read about sex or take a sexual health class.
- Don’t buy into “sex not being important or that you just aren’t sexual."
- Good sex = the ability to connect enjoyably and in a satisfying way with another person physically, emotionally, and spiritually (meaningfully).
- Make a commitment to have a sexual encounter at least once a week.
- Take turns initiating and leading the sexual encounters.
- Lose the "sex=intercourse" idea. Sexual intimacy encompasses a range of behaviors.
- Seek help from a skilled marital counselor or sex therapist. This is a financial investment; check your mental health insurance benefits. Request a payment plan. Realize that you are investing in your relationship and a lifetime of more intimate, satisfying sex.
Weiner-Davis quotes from the article When Men Suffer Low Sex Drive, by Hara Estroff Marano. (PsychologyToday.Com)